Lactation Cookies

Yep, I said it: lactation. As in MILK coming OUT of the boobs! If the concept makes you uncomfortable, it's okay. Sit down, fan your face, and get over it, weirdo.

These cookies are said to help get the milk flowing because they contain oatmeal, brewer's yeast, and flaxseed meal. The bonus is that they taste pretty amazing. And you can eat them guilt-free because you're doing something good for your baby. Like, it's my job to feed my baby, so wouldn't it be my job to eat these cookies? F-ck yes it's my job to eat these cookies.

Give these a shot if you're trying to increase your breast milk supply. Or make them for a friend who is having a baby and trying to breastfeed. They also won't do any harm to people who aren't lactating. In fact, Rick has been known to eat these by the handful. He's secure in his masculinity like that.

Lactation Cookies for the Breastfeeding Mother

• 1 c. butter, softened
• 1 c. sugar
• 1 c. brown sugar
• 2 T. flaxseed meal
• 4 T. water
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 2 c. flour
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• 2 T. brewer's yeast
• 3 c. rolled oats
• 1 c. chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Soak the flaxseed in the water for a few minutes to soften. Mix together dry ingredients. In a separate bowl, cream together butter and sugar then add eggs, flaxseed, and vanilla. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients. Drop the dough in mounds on a cookie sheet and bake for 8–12 minutes. Eat like your baby's life depends on it.

You can also freeze the dough balls on a cookie tray and throw them in a baggie to pull out when you need a few. If you do that, let them thaw a bit on the tray before baking.

(recipe via The Leaky Boob)

Dear Hank — nine months

My dear Hank:

Can we just stop time for a little while? Just hold on to the way you are right now for a bit longer? I know each age and stage of parenting has its joys and struggles, but I'm really enjoying you right now. 

One of the most exciting changes this month is that you got your first tooth! Your bottom center tooth on the left came up first, and It looks like the one right beside it will be coming up soon. You have been drooling and teething for quite a while, so it's very exciting to see that little pointy tooth in there.

You've also started really playing with your toys instead of just putting everything into your mouth. It's so fun to watch you examine and discover ways of touching, feeling and manipulating things. From the big stuff in your toy box to a little tiny morsel of ground beef in your food, you are so curious and observant.

You love playing with just about anything, but you do have some favorite toys, like:

1. A little Cobbler's Bench that was your Daddy's toy when he was little (a gift from his Papas). You love the hammer especially.
2. Karen Katz lift-the-flap books.
3. Anything musical, especially this baby orchestra set by Hohner Kids.
4. These Fisher-Price Lil Zoomer Safari Speedsters.

You have started to mimic gestures and sounds, though not really mastering any of them yet. You will wave your hand hello or goodbye, but you aren't quite sure what it means yet — except that all of the adults in your life do it with giant silly grins on their faces whenever somebody comes or goes. You also say, "Da-da-da-da-da-da" a lot, and have even said "dada" to your daddy a few times. But we're not completely sure you are doing it intentionally yet.

We've been working so hard on getting you to crawl, but you're not convinced you want to do it yet. You bounce when you're sitting and lean forward onto your hands, but haven't taken that plunge ahead yet. For now, I'm trying to enjoy your non-mobility while it lasts, because I know you won't always stay where I put you!

We are still living at Grandma and Opa's house, trying to sell our house in Bellefonte and find a house here in Erie/Edinboro. Sometimes we grow very impatient with how long the process is taking, but we remind ourselves how lucky we all are that you get to spend all this time with your grandparents — and they get to see your smiles every morning. You always have a smile for everyone and it is truly heart-melting.

You are still breastfeeding. Daytime feedings can be a challenge as you are more interested in playing and looking around. I've learned that I need to give you something to play with or sing you songs throughout your feedings to get you to stay latched on. At night though, you are content to just eat while I rub your back and legs, and you look up at me and rub my arm. These moments are more precious to me than all of the gold in the world.

At your 9 month well visit this month, you:

• weighed 17.9 lbs (15th percentile)
• were 26 inches long (3rd percentile)
• had a head circumference of 46.5 cm (85th percentile) 

We have dropped some night feedings, though you still get up at least once a night to eat. You go to bed around 6 PM and wakeup around 6:30 AM. You also take two naps a day totaling about 3 hours on a good day.

Mealtimes with solid foods are so much fun. You love feeding yourself and it's such a thrill to watch you discover foods. We usually have one puree (prunes, applesauce, yogurt, etc.) with each meal and then at least one thing that you can feed yourself. In the morning it's waffles with coconut butter and fruit, or a bowl of oatmeal. Lunch and dinner vary week to week, but some of your new favorites are cod and spinach, avocados covered in cheerio dust, and pasta with bolognese sauce. If I had to say what your favorite foods are I would go with waffles and sweet potatoes — you always gobble those things up quickly with a happy face.

I like to think you're a Mama's boy but the truth is, you're pretty obsessed with your Daddy. If he's in the room you're always fascinated by what he's doing, and to this day nobody can make you laugh like he can. It is one of the great joys of my life to watch your relationship with him unfold. He still gives you a bath every night and takes care of you in so many ways. Mommy is very lucky.

Speaking of baths, you went through a phase this month where you pooped in the bathtub every night for a week! We had quite a few laughs about this and thought maybe you had developed a quirky new habit, but thankfully you stopped doing it. Little buddy, you are always keeping us on our toes.

I can't wait to spend the summer with you and Daddy going to the park, playing in the grass, getting books from the library, swimming at Presque Isle, and visiting our friends and family. You make everything a fun adventure.

I couldn't love you more,
Mama

Homemade Chicken Salad

My mom made this chicken salad while I was visiting a few weekends ago, and I've been making it at home double-batch style because it's such a yummy thing to have in the fridge for a quick lunch. I never realized the value of a quick lunch until having Hank, and suddenly lunches became easily accessible junk I could cram in my gob. It's much better when the easily accessible junk is something tasty and quasi-healthy.

I've never been sentimental about "things." Heck, I took my wedding dress out and shoved it in the weekly trash pile one week after my wedding. I just don't attach memories to things the way some people do. But I do attach memories to food. I love when I have a recipe that reminds me of a certain person or a certain place in time. Tortilla soup reminds me of my honeymoon. This chicken salad reminds me of my mom. 

---

Chicken Salad with grapes, almonds, and dill

• 1 - 13 oz. can of chicken breast, drained (or shredded breasts that you make yourself, if you're an overachiever)
• 3/4 c. mayonnaise
• 1/4 tsp. onion powder
• 1/4 tsp. garlic powder
• 1 tsp. dill
• 1 celery stalk, finely chopped
• 1 c. seedless grapes, halved
• 1/2 c. sliced almonds

Combine chicken and mayonnaise, then add remaining ingredients and mix well. Serve on good bread or crackers.

From the kitchen of Rose Tallman
Adapted from Home Cooking with Trisha Yearwood

Dear Hank — eight months

Little Hankster:

I feel as if we are in the most beautiful transition of time. You are still my little baby but you are on the brink of boyhood. Not quite talking yet (though you do make lots of sounds) and not quite mobile yet (other than scooting around your crib). I am drinking in these days knowing that they are numbered and our lives will change very soon.

You change so much from minute to minute. Sometimes I look at you and marvel at how little you are, later the same day I will remark to your Dad how big you feel in my arms when I nurse you. It's a wild period that we're in. In fact, I had a hard time choosing which photograph best represents you this month. Is it that innocent cherubic baby up above? Or the boy below who knows a little more than he lets on? I am in love with the many facets of you.

Some of my favorite things that you've been doing lately:

• the occasional perfectly-dramatic sigh
• staring intensely at people (this one is especially entertaining when you do it to strangers who come up to us in public, often staring at them to the point that they feel unsettled, at which point you will break into a smile like "gotcha!")
• shaking your head "no" anytime I go anywhere near your nose (mama is a little OCD about you sometimes)

Food has been the focus this month, as we transitioned from purees to solids and you started feeding yourself more and more. It is such a thrill to watch you put food in your mouth, taste it, and chew it. I am mesmerized by it. We often give you little bits of whatever we're eating, and keep certain foods around for your daily meals and snacks.

Some of your favorites:

• oat toast with white bean hummus
• peach yogurt
• sweet potato "fries" (baked with some olive oil)
• steamed apples
• puffs (which have helped you with your pincer grasp)

You still nurse 8 times a day, including 3 times during the night. You haven't quite learned to multitask yet so you still get distracted during your daytime feedings. I've taken to nursing you in the dark, quiet bedroom so that you actually eat instead of flailing your arms and head around every time a noise or movement occurs. You are always my curious little guy.

You sit up like a champ and will sometimes even lay back with your elbows propping you up. Your muscles are strong and you are lean. I love kissing your cheeks because they are the chubbiest part on you! We are working on getting you to crawl by spending more time on your tummy, reaching forward for things, and staying propped up on your arms. You have the ability to do all of these things but you are NOT a fan of it. At all. We had an appointment with a physical therapist at Shriner's Hospital for Children so we could learn how to challenge you to stay on your tummy and work on crawling. Developmentally you are quite capable, but you are very strong-willed and resistant to being on your tummy. It may have something to do with the reflux you had as an infant. No matter what the reason, I have no doubt that you will eventually crawl and will then move on to walking (probably 2 days later).

My days with you are filled with your sweet affection, your silly faces, your crazy talk, and watching your little eyes as they take in the world. There are times when I miss taking long showers, or sleeping through the night, or concentrating on anything for any length of time. But I consider myself truly lucky that I am at your service. You are the most demanding boss I've ever had, but you give the world's greatest hugs.

Love you, to the moon and back, times a million.

Mama

Dear Hank — seven months

My Baby Hank:

As I write this you are sitting in your Jumperoo bouncing around like a crazy orangutan. And I absolutely love it. I love how crazy you are and I love the joy I feel while watching you jump.

This month, you were engaged and engaging. You watch everything we do with quiet contemplation, and you charm the pants off of everybody you see. You babble and squeal pretty regularly now, and while I don't know what you are saying I can tell with certainty that it's very important to you. I always listen intently. I hope you know that I will always listen to you.

You now sit up regularly with ease, not needing any assistance except for when you occasionally topple over. Your little hands have become quite adept at grabbing and holding things, but we are still working on that pincer grasp which you haven't quite mastered yet. I never knew a guy who liked to suck on his feet so much, but I admit I am a little envious of how flexible you are — a trait you have inherited from your father, I think.

At your 6 month checkup, you weighed 15 lbs. 9 oz. — more than double your birth weight, which is wonderful. I suspect you weigh more than 16 lbs. now, probably closer to 17 lbs. You wear size 3 diapers. And you graduated to a big boy car seat instead of the infant carrier seat you were in since birth. You wear size 6-12 month clothing, though some of it is still a little big on you.

Solid foods have been a joy for you to explore. We try one new food a week, and you usually make a face at first and are a bit skeptical, but by the third bite or so we have you convinced. You are not a fan of plain avocado, but you have acquired a taste for the guacamole at Chipotle.

Some foods you love:

• sweet potatoes (still your favorite)
• peas
• mangos
• yogurt
• puffs
• pear juice (mixed with water)

You also eat prunes sometimes to get the pipes moving. We had to stop giving you bananas because they seemed to constipate you. We'll keep trying things in the future as your palette and tolerance changes.

Just this past week, I stopped breastfeeding you and started pumping and giving you expressed breastmilk. You were so distracted and curious while eating that you weren't nursing long enough during the day. I only planned to pump for a day or two to see how much you were getting, but you don't seem to care how you get your milk so we are going to continue with the pump and feed method for a while. It is extra work for me, but I have the peace of mind of knowing you are getting what you need.

You still sleep from 6 PM to 7 AM, waking up twice to feed in the middle of the night at 11 PM and 4 AM (roughly). We are transitioning from 3 naps a day to 2 naps, and I'm hoping you nap longer and more consistently because of that. A 2-nap schedule will give us more freedom during the day to go out and about, which you love and it also keeps your mama from going crazy.

We joined the local YMCA this month and you spend an hour or so in their childcare area while mama gets her fitness on. I was worried about leaving you with a stranger, even for a short time. But on the first day I came back to find you flirting with 3 ladies who were all ooohing and ahhhing over you. I think you might have the social graces of a Bill Clinton or George Clooney.

My favorite moments of the day are still when you have your arms wrapped around my neck. It's usually when you are very tired and I'm carrying you off to bed, and you will take your tiny hands and rub my neck or tug on my earring. There is nothing sweeter. I hope when I am an old lady, these are the memories that never leave me.

No matter where we go or what we do, you are my happy guy. That's not to say you never cry, because you do. But when you do it's for a reason. You do have a bit of a temper at times, and get very loud and vocal when something isn't going your way. I suspect you may have inherited some of my impatience. :)

Patience, kindness, thoughtfulness... so much to teach you, and so much to learn from you as well.

I love you, Hank.

Mama

Dear Hank — six months

Dear Hank:

Today I am closing my eyes and remembering that morning 6 months ago when you were born. I am back in the operating room full of doctors and nurses, and I can picture all of it like little vignettes. Like seeing your dad's face, with tears in his eyes, after he saw you for the first time. And the look we gave each other when words would have never been adequate. I remember holding you for the very first time and being so amazed by you.

I loved you before I knew you. Before I knew how your smile would light up your whole face. Before I knew that your curious fingers and sweet little toes would make even the hardest, most trying days all worth it. Now I see your personality, your way of being, and I see flashes of who you might become. I am already so proud of who you are.

This month, we focused a lot on sleep. That is — getting you to sleep. Our old method of following your cues and doing whatever it took to get you to sleep was just not working anymore. You were so tired. And you so needed to sleep. And while our arms and rocking and singing once lulled you to sleep, it just wasn't working anymore. We moved you into your own room. I thought it would be a gradual process, but it happened all at once. You were much happier when you weren't being roused from sleep by sounds from me and daddy, or your snoring four-legged sister. We also started putting you to bed a lot earlier. Instead of 9 PM, you now go to sleep at 6:30 PM. You take 2 or 3 naps a day varying in length from 30 minutes to 2 hours. Overall you sleep for about 16 hours a day total, and you are so much happier.

Can I tell you a secret? I miss sleeping with you, and I miss having you next to my bed at night. The sound of your breathing, your cute little sighs, and the clicking sound as you suck on your pacifier — it was comforting to hear your little noises and know that you were ok. But I know that you are sleeping better, and that your brain is well rested. And I have a new favorite part of my day. In the middle of the night, after I've fed you and I'm walking you back to your crib, your wrap your arms around my neck and fall back to sleep. And I savor those moments. There is nothing better.

This is what a typical day looks like for us now:

• 7:30 AM — wakeup, play, nurse, more play, read books
• 9:00 AM — first nap
• 10:30 AM — wakeup, play, nurse, more play, read books
• 12:30 PM — second nap
• 2:30 PM — wakeup, play, nurse, run errands, help mommy make dinner, play with daddy
• 5:30 PM — bathtime with daddy, PJs, nurse
• 6:30 PM — goodnight kiss, bedtime
• 10 PM — nurse
• 2 AM — nurse
• 5 AM — nurse

If your naps are short, you get a third nap in the afternoon. When you play, sometimes you play with mommy on the floor. Sometimes you play by yourself in your Jumperoo or your Twirl n' Whirl. Other times you play with a small toy while I do some chores.

You are just now trying solid foods for the first time. We are doing the baby-led approach. So far you have tried bananas, and you mostly chew them and spit them back out. But I think in a few weeks you will get the hang of swallowing.

You still love to stand, and bounce, and you are still chatty as ever. Sometimes you even try to talk while you are nursing, which is really funny. You also love to kick your legs and will often pick both legs up and slam them down. Our little professional wrestler. You've also started to sit up on your own. You can go for about 10-20 seconds without falling over or needing some assistance. You still hate tummy time, and immediately flip over when I put you on your tummy. You may never crawl, but that's okay. :)

I think you may have learned some crazy facial expressions from mommy. You are so expressive with your face. This month you learned how to pout, and you even do it at appropriate times. Like when I hide your toy behind my back. You are very observant of people and you love to look out the window and take it all in.

You are such a happy guy. You have a smile for just about everybody who greets you. Once, we met a beautiful young lady who can read auras, and she said you are surrounded with love. I knew she was right. You are so loved by so many people, but you also radiate love outward. The way you look at me and see me, the way your little hands rub my arm or face, every day you make me feel so loved.

You are my sunshine, Mama

Dear Hank — five months

Dear Hank:

I fall more in love with you everyday. Every now and then I think to myself that my heart is feeling as full as it can feel, and then you do something else that makes my heart swell. I love being your mommy. And I love knowing you.

You are 5 months old now. I look back at your newborn photos and can't believe you were ever so small. How did we ever take care of someone so tiny and fragile? I guess you were never as fragile as you seemed. Even now, I am amazed by your resilience. We have spent the past month packing up to move and traveling for the holidays. I thought the constant change might be hard on you, but you just go with the flow. I think you may have some things to teach me about that. :)

I have a little cuddlebug in you. You are so affectionate. You love to nuzzle my face and neck, and you love when I put my face close to yours and we smile at each other. You rub my arm and my breast when you are nursing. When you are upset, you hold on tight to my finger and squeeze. Even without words, you can make me feel loved.

Speaking of words, you haven't said your first word yet, but you are the chattiest little guy. You go on and on with warble-y, coo-y sounds that make no sense at all, but I am convinced you know exactly what you are saying. I love hearing your stories, even if I can't understand them yet.

You are the most curious little man. You will often sit still and watch the world around you. People will say to me frequently, "He's just taking it all in!" I like to think that someday you will be a people-watcher like Mama.

Everyday we spend time together on the floor. It should be called "tummy time" but you don't like to spend much time on your tummy. When I put you on your tummy, you get frustrated and eventually start crying. But we still try several times a day. Eventually you will figure out how to crawl, and then there will be no stopping you.

You are most happy when you are standing up, with help of course. You love being able to see everything around you like a big boy. You have the strongest little legs and sometimes you kick me so hard that it surprises me. I remember feeling those kicks when you were inside of me! Almost everyone who holds you comments on how strong you are. I wonder how you will decide to use those muscles of yours.

Some other random tidbits from this month:

1. If you get unhappy on a car ride, you will calm right down if we play rock music, like Bon Jovi or Pearl Jam.
2. You finally outgrew sleeping in your swing. You've graduated to sleeping in the Pack n Play right beside Mommy's side of the bed. Eventually we'll move you into a crib in your own room, but I don't think you (or Mommy) are ready for that yet.
3. You love when we sing "The Green Grass Grew All Around" and when Mommy makes you dance. When you read this someday, you can look up "Gangnam Style" and know that Mommy made you dance to some weird music.

I'm saving the best for last. My two favorite things that you started to do this month: giggling and reaching up. Your laugh, my goodness, your laugh is the sweetest sound I've ever heard. Daddy will kiss your belly and his beard tickles you and you go into fits of laughter. That, alone, is worth any amount of pain or sacrifice I've ever had to endure for you. I will never forget the sound of your laughter. And your arms now reach out when you want me to pick you up. Of course, I always oblige you.

Hank, I love every little morsel of your being.

Always, Mommy

Dear Hank — four months

Dear Hank:

I am writing this letter 6 days late. And that's because it's been a craaaaaazy month around here. Amidst all the craziness, you have been a happy, peaceful, content little boy.

This month we found out that your Daddy's job will have us relocating to Erie/Edinboro PA at the end of the year. Your Daddy works for the U.S. Congressman for the 5th District of Pennsylvania. They need someone to represent the Congressman in the Erie area which was added to their district this year. And because your Daddy was born and raised there, he was the best choice for the job. We've been scrambling to pack up the house and get all of our affairs in order to sell our house. There is some sadness because we are moving away from the people we love here, but we are also moving close to your Grandma and Opa and Momo, which we are very excited about. There is also lots of fun stuff for a little boy to explore in Erie, including a zoo, a lake with lots of beaches, and an indoor water park.

This month was also crazy because your Mama had a HUGE work project going on. I worked with a company called Johnson & Johnson on a TEDx event. I coached speakers in developing TED Talks — "the talk of their life" — and I designed their presentations. I had 19 speakers to work with so I was a busy, busy lady. And during that time your Grandma, your Nana, your Aunt Stacey, and your Daddy all made sure you were well cared for and loved. I missed you so much at times when I had to be away during the day. And I would work after you went to bed and early in the morning while you were sleeping. You and Daddy came with me to Jersey City, NJ for the event and stayed in the hotel most of the time. During dress rehearsals Mommy was so busy that Daddy brought you to the Liberty Science Center so Mama could feed you while she was working. You got to meet a lot of people and they were all enchanted by you. And best of all, you got to spend lots of time with Daddy who just loves to spend time with his boy. Your Daddy is an amazing husband who has and will make sacrifices so that I can do what I love. And I love that you can see him love me that way, and feel him love you that way too.

This month wasn't all about me and Daddy though. Oh no. YOU grew up so much! You went through a growth spurt and had a few nights where you were up eating every two hours. At your 4-month checkup with Dr. Collison we found out you are growing like a little lollipop. You weigh 13 lbs. 4 oz. which puts you in the 8th percentile for weight (up from 6th). You are 25 inches long, the 60th percentile for height (up from 33rd). And you are still our big-headed boy in the 88th percentile for head size (up from 77th).

Just this week you started breastfeeding more efficiently. It always took you at least an hour to nurse, but now you are done in about half an hour. This has really freed up some time for us — more time to play and do fun things together. Our favorites are singing songs together and reading books.

You love to stand up with help. You have freakishly strong neck and leg muscles for a 4 month-old. And you are very curious about the world. I love that you are content to spend a lot of time staring at things around you. Usually you do this while munching on your hands, which you are obsessed with. Instead of sucking on just a finger or a thumb, you try to put both fists in your mouth at the same time. It cracks me up.

You are quite the chatty little boy, like your Mama. You've been making coos and rahhhs and all kinds of dinosaur-like noises. And you've finally started to play with some of those toys we've had around for a while. Grabbing your O'ball, your Tigger rattle, and your Sophie the Giraffe are much more fun now that you can grasp things quite well. You don't always reach for things when they're in front of you, but you're starting to do it more and more. You are also —just— starting to laugh and giggle. It erupts every once in a while and it makes my heart explode with joy. I can't wait until you're doing it more often. I also can't wait for you to reach out your arms when I go to pick you up.

It was this time last year that your Daddy and I found out we were pregnant with you. On the morning of Christmas Eve I was feeling pretty sick. And I didn't think anything of it, but your Daddy has a pretty keen sense about things. So he went out to buy a pregnancy test. I snuck upstairs to take it while I was making pizzelles with your Grandma. And sure enough, it came up positive. I texted your Daddy a photo of the test and waited for what seemed like FOREVER for him to look at his phone as I continued to make pizzelles and he watched football. And when he saw it, we smiled at each other with tears in our eyes. You are the best Christmas present we've ever been given.

When I was at my conference, I sat behind a woman who was watching her 20-something son DJ on stage for the first time. Her face was lit up with so much love and pride. And I sat there with tears streaming down my face thinking of you, and how someday you will be making me that proud. In fact, Hank, you already do.

Love you forever, Mama

P.S. Since we were in New York City this month, I really wanted to take your 4 month picture by the Statue of Liberty. We tried, oh did we try! But it was foggy, the statue was backlit, and you were asleep. So instead I photoshopped this picture of you in front of the statue. I promise someday we'll actually take you there. :)

Dear Hank — three months

Dear Hank:

Every day I say a silent thank you to the Universe for allowing me the honor of being your mother. You are the most happy-go-lucky, laid back little guy, and your happiness is infectious.

It's been a busy month for you.

You started sleeping in our bed after we couldn't get you to stay asleep anywhere else. We tried everything! But I think you just wanted to be close to Mommy and Daddy, so we listened. A few weeks later, we started putting you to sleep in your swing again and you started sleeping through the night finally — from 10 PM til 6 AM. Now, your bedtime routine goes like this:

1. You have bath-time with Daddy.
2. Daddy puts you into your PJs and brings you to Mommy.
3. We read a book or two (or three).
4. Mommy nurses you.
5. Daddy swaddles you, puts you in your swing, sets it to high speed, and then turns on your white noise machine.

Usually within a few minutes you are fast asleep with no fussing. I love watching your eyelids as you drift off to sleep. You look so peaceful and serene that I think you must have some inkling how much you are loved. Every night I reflect on how much your little eyes have seen, and how you are processing and storing all of that new information.

You also started grabbing objects and rolling over, both in the same day! You must have eaten your Superman breakfast that morning. You can grab toys and shake them, and can roll from front to back. You have had freakishly good neck and upper body strength since the day you were born, so we weren't surprised that you started rolling early. You also have found your hands and feet. It's fun to watch you look at them and marvel when they touch and move things. Last night during bath-time, I watched you use your foot to move the washcloth around in the water. I could almost see the gears turning in your head as you realized you were making that happen. :)

You smile and coo all the time, and you also do some pretty funny grunting and yelling. I don't know what you are saying yet, but you make me and your Daddy laugh a lot with your dinosaur noises. You also get upset and fussy sometimes. Calming you down usually involves a pacifier and bouncing or jiggling with you. You also like when I sing to you. Our favorites are: You Are My Sunshine, Forever Young (by Bob Dylan), and Hush Little Baby.

At your well-visit with the doctor, we found out you are in the 6th percentile for weight, the 33rd percentile for height, and the 77th percentile for head size. So you're a little dude, kinda tall, with a big head! We love your big head and have read that it is likely to make you photogenic. Maybe the next George Clooney?

These are a few of my favorite things that you do:

• grab your ears when you're eating because you are so excited
• kick your legs and splash in the bath tub
• get really quiet and still when I brush your hair
• stretch your arms out like Superman
• nuzzle my neck after you're done eating
• smile at me while I'm changing your diaper and dressing you

When I think you are growing up too fast, I remember the time when you were so little that you had trouble eating and had to go to the hospital. It reminds me to be thankful that you are growing as fast as you are. I want to savor every moment I have with you, but my biggest priority in life is making sure you grow up big — physically and mentally.

I am so glad that we stuck through our issues with breastfeeding. We had a lot of trouble there in the beginning, but now feeding you is easy. In the beginning neither of us knew what we were doing. But now we're both old pros at it. I used to get nervous feeding you around other people or out in public, but eventually I decided that there was nothing more natural in the world than a Mama feeding her baby, and we just do what we need to do when we need to do it. You, my tiny boy, have taught me to feel less ashamed of my body. If my body gave me you, then it's worthy of my love and admiration.

So many firsts this month, and so many more to come.

I love you, my baby boy, Mama

Dear Hank — two months

Dear Hank:

You're lying here beside me as I write this, sleeping peacefully and looking so adorable. I fall more in love with you everyday. I think I must have kissed you at least a million times in these first two months. Sometimes I just can't help myself. I know that someday you might not like my kisses quite as much. :)

Your personality and your little face has blossomed over the past few weeks. You've started smiling in reaction to us, which is just... wow, it's the best thing ever. It wouldn't matter if I had nothing in the world, seeing your smile fills my heart with the most indescribable joy. I hope I never have to go too long without seeing that smile.

You are still a laid-back guy most of the time. Occasionally you can have a bit of a temper. But it's hard being a baby, and I don't blame you for getting mad once in a while. You love when I use a toy to touch your lips and say your name. It almost always brings a smile to your face. You also smile a lot when you're on your changing table. I think you like seeing our faces so close to yours.

You're sleeping better, which is just heavenly. You aren't sleeping through the night yet, but that may start happening soon. This week you're going through a growth spurt and are up every 2 hours or so. Even though I'm tired, I like knowing that you're growing into a big boy. You finally started to fit your 0-3 month clothing a couple of weeks ago.

Reflux was making you miserable for a while, but we finally found a medicine that makes you feel better. You're back to being our happy little guy and not screaming in pain at night. I hated hearing you in pain and would have done anything to help you feel better. Dr. Collison is your doctor and he helped us figure out what was bothering you. We also discovered you are sensitive to dairy and corn, which means I have to give those things up for a while. You are the only person in the world I would happily give up cheese for!

We've done some traveling this month: to your Nana and Papa's house for a "Meet Baby Hank" party with your Mama's family, and you danced at your first wedding in Maryland when your Aunt Christie and Uncle Jamie got married. You generally like car rides and will either sleep or look contentedly out the window. This coming weekend we'll be traveling to Edinboro, PA so your Daddy's family can all celebrate your arrival as well!

I think the happiest part of your day is bath time, which is Daddy's specialty. He fills the tub up with warm water all the way to the top every night. You make the cutest surprised face when he puts you in. You stay in there for 20-30 minutes and just kick your legs around the whole time with a happy face on. We think you will be a good swimmer next year.

Now that fall is here, I find myself so excited to start sharing the seasons and holiday traditions with you. You make everything feel more special and exciting because we get to share it with you.

*forehead kiss*

I love you, my little one, Mama

Dear Hank - one month

One month ago I gave birth to the most handsome and sweet little boy. We named him Hank. Before he was even born I decided I wanted to steal an idea from Emily over at The Culinary Couple. Emily writes a letter to her son Sam every month on the anniversary of his birth. I'd like to do the same for Hank.

We've setup a gmail account and I'll be sending his letters there. I'd also like to share them here so his family and friends can follow along.

Without further ado, here's my one-month letter to Hank.

. . .

Dear Hank:

I can't believe you are one month old. It feels like you've been here for only the blink of an eye. At the same time it feels like you've been here all along.

You were born on 8-8-12 at 9:02 in the morning via cesarean at Mount Nittany Medical Center. You weighed 6 lbs. 8 oz. I was induced the day before at 37 weeks gestation and labored throughout the night. I made it to 10 cm dilation and even got to push for 15 minutes. But your heart rate was dropping during contractions, and the doctor didn't want to take any chances. So she recommended we do a c-section. Your Dad and Aunt Stacey looked kinda scared as they prepped me for surgery, but I wasn't scared. I knew in my heart that you and I would both be okay.

I waited anxiously as they worked to bring you out, and your Daddy stayed at my head. He had tears in his eyes and told me he was so proud of me. I knew that he would be the first of the two of us to see you, so he had my big fancy camera with him. When you were out, I heard you cry, and in that moment I fell in love with you. I didn't even need to see you. Your cry was like nothing I had ever heard before. It was like I already knew you.

Your Dad got to cut the umbilical cord and watch as they cleaned you up. He took some pictures of you and brought the camera back to show me what you looked like. We both cried as I looked at you. You were as cute as a button, even with your cry face on.

Then they let Daddy bring you over to see me before going back to the nursery. I could barely see your face through all the blankets. I longed to hold you, but knew I'd have to wait an hour or so before that would happen. We both had to get cleaned up a bit before we would be reunited. But your Daddy stayed with you the whole time.

Feeding you has been an adventure. You were such a little guy that you had a hard time breastfeeding at first. You were great at latching on, but just couldn't get enough food because you weren't quite strong enough. We even ended up back in the hospital so you could get an IV to help make you strong again. It took 3 tries for them to get an IV going on you because you were so tiny, but you were a brave boy throughout all of it.

After we left the hospital (the second time), feeding you was a long process that involved nursing for 30-45 minutes, supplementing through a supplemental tube system or a bottle, and then Mommy pumped milk for you for another 20-30 minutes. We would do all of this every 2-3 hours, and it took about 90 minutes to do all of it. So Mommy and Daddy were pretty exhausted, but we knew it wasn't going to last forever… just until you were strong enough to nurse all on your own.

Your Daddy and I both love you so much. We spend a lot of time just looking at you. We laugh at the faces you make and the things you do. You make what I call your "lawyer face" a lot… your lips purse tightly and your eyebrows raise and it looks like you are silently judging everyone. You also make smiley faces a lot. Whether it's gas or a real smile, we're not sure — but it's cute either way. You have the longest fingers and toes. You often stick your legs out straight while you're eating and curl your toes under. I find it so adorable. You grab onto us when you're being fed or cuddled, and you even pull your Daddy's chest hair when you're upset. It makes him scream but then he laughs at you. You already entertain us, and you're not even talking or moving yet.

Your sister Sophie loves you very much, too. She watches over you and protects you. She always checks the bassinet to see if you are in it, and sniffs you while you are sleeping. She gets anxious when you cry, though she is getting used to the sound of it. If we let her, she'd lick your face and hands all the time, but we only let her get in a few licks now and then. You don't seem to mind. She's just biding her time until you start eating solid foods and can sneak her treats under the table like Nana and Opa do.

We named you Hank because it was a name that your Daddy and I both loved, even before we were married. We love that your name is a name you can grow into someday.You do have quite a few nicknames already including:

• Mr. Hank (pronounced "Midder Hank")
• Puju
• Bugaboo/Rugaboo
• the bean
• little nugget
• burrito boy (when you're in your swaddle)
• Mister Hankles

You look just like your Daddy and Opa Sollman. One of our friends even said, "It looks like somebody left Rick in the dryer too long!" and that about sums it up. In fact, we had other plans for your middle name, but you looked so much like Daddy and Opa that we decided to name you Richard after them.

You also act just like your Daddy. You are really laid back and happy most of the time. When you get upset, it's usually for a good reason. It takes you a good while to wake up from a nap (just like Daddy in the morning). You also make man-sized farts and burps that truly rival your Daddy's. It makes him proud, and I just shake my head.

Our first month together hasn't always been easy, but we wouldn't change it for anything. The rough spots have helped our little family bond. We're in this together. And the sweet spots... well, life just doesn't get any sweeter than it is right now. Even when we're sleep-deprived and exhausted and smelly from not having time to shower and our house is a wreck — we are so happy. We can't believe how lucky we are to be your parents.

Love you so much, Mommy

hospital photos taken by your Daddy Sophie photo taken by your Aunt Christie one month photo taken by Mommy 

On pregnancy...

I've been ignoring this space lately, and it's not for a good reason. I was all excited to get this site up and running last year so I could share freely about all of the little aspects of my life. But lately it's a place I've been avoiding. Let me explain.

On Christmas Eve 2011, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. Again. And we were thrilled! Oh, but not too thrilled. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage just before the end of the first trimester. It was sad, but not uncommon, and we got through it. We learned our lesson about keeping the news to ourself for a while and decided to be excited but not too excited — "cautiously optimistic" so to speak. That's a really hard thing to do. It's kind of like getting a present you really wanted but constantly thinking to yourself, "I might have to give it back."

So being pregnant is naturally a big life deal, and something I wanted to talk about. But I felt very wary about jinxing anything. So I avoided writing about my life because it just felt like I had to ignore the elephant in the room, and I'm not good at that.

I'm about 6 months along now (due in August) and it's a boy. Things are going well and I feel really good, but things have been a little tricky. I had some hemorrhaging occur while we were on vacation back in February. And so at every appointment after that I fully expected not to hear a heartbeat. "No FH." No fetal heartbeat. That's what they call it.

I also developed what appeared to be pre-eclampsia around 19/20 weeks. I was sent to Hershey Medical Center to see a high-risk doctor. The doctors are still keeping a close eye on me and the baby. But for some mysterious reason, my numbers for both blood pressure and protein in the urine have gone down. This is a good thing, and I hope it continues to trend that way. But I am mentally prepared to be put on bed rest and/or deliver early if things start to go back the other way.

The good stuff is so very good. I love being pregnant, and have had a relatively easy time of it aside from the health issues above. I get nauseous now and then, but it's usually helped by chewing gum or taking TUMS. (I live on TUMS.) I have learned to listen to my body when it comes to being tired or hungry. If I'm tired, I rest and take it easy. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat. It's amazing that — at 33 years old — I am just now learning to do those things. It's amazing how differently we care for ourselves when there's another human living inside us whose life we value more than our own. I get sad that I didn't place that same value on my own health/life any sooner. I was somebody's baby once too, after all.

The past six-months of my pregnancy in list-form.

Things I love:

• feeling him kick and move (so comforting when you're a worry-wart)
• finding baby clothes on clearance
• Motherhood Maternity's plus-size maternity jeans (who knew jeans could be comfortable?!)
• TUMS Freshers
• my Snoogle
• looking at Rick and daydreaming about what kind of father he'll be

Food cravings:

• Jell-o
• baked potatoes
• cheese puffs
• fruit (grapes, cantaloupes, strawberries)
• beer (of course I don't fully indulge this one, but I will occasionally take a sip from Rick's beer)

Things I miss:

• sleeping on my stomach
• wine
• not having heartburn, acid reflux, constipation, or diarrhea #TMI
• crystal meth (KIDDING!)

It feels good to be a little more open about this. One of my core values is openness, and so anytime I have to keep my mouth shut about something it eats away at me and makes me feel like I'm not being myself. So here's to me being myself again... and keeping it that way.

Do you believe in jinxes? Ever had to keep a lid on something you absolutely wished you could talk about? Do tell.

Bathroom Renovation

When Rick and I chose the house we live in now, one of the things that really appealed to us was that the majority of the house didn't need any major work. But there was one room that did: the bathroom. It was pretty horrible, and we both imagined ourselves hardcore DIYers who could take on a project like this. We lived here for quite a while before we could afford to tackle such a big project, so we got used to our fugly old bathroom. I always made sure my glasses weren't on when I opened the shower curtain so that I didn't have to see the horribleness of our bathtub and surround. It was impossible to get clean, and I remember thinking there was no way I would ever give our someday children a bath in that tub.

Last summer, we were finally ready to tackle the beast. We met with our realtor, who did some research and told us that if we spent $3,000-$4,000 on the bathroom we would more than likely get it back when we sell the house. Important to us, because we don't plan to stay in this house more than a few more years. We were doing this as much for re-sale value as we were for our own enjoyment.

We also had a local renovation shop come in and give us an estimate for the work, knowing that we would do most of it but that it might be nice to hire out for a few things. They gave us an estimate of $10,000 minimum. Yeah, homey don't play that. So knowing we had help from family and friends, we set out to tackle the renovation almost completely on our own.

From here on out, when I use the word "we" I really mean "Rick". And various loved ones that helped us out majorly. (Shout out to Rich, Gail, Dad, and Kevin: we love you all!) My role in the great bathroom renovation project was to "art direct". And to freak the hell out every weekend at what a pit our house had become.

Seriously, when you watch HGTV they make it look like everything just MAGICALLY comes together at the end. Elves come in and clean up and everything looks camera-ready and beautiful. And it's all finished in 2 days. This does not happen! We have a small house, with one bathroom, which meant that this project permeated every aspect of our home life for months. Tools and supplies were in every room. For a while we did not have a sink or mirror in our bathroom, so I did my hair downstairs looking in the microwave. (Strangely, I got more compliments on my hair during this time than ever before.)

Without further ado, I give you the befores and afters. The photos are crappy iPhone photos, but you get the idea.

before

marginally ugly vanity and mirror

shitty toilet

shower that looks like it could belong to a serial killer

close-up of the murder tub

close-up of the wallboard

which is uglier: blue carpet or fake wood linoleum?

we gave up on trying to make it look nice

after

Double sinks, faucets, and mirrors are from IKEA (MOLGER). The lights are from Pottery Barn.

new tub and surround

Rick's Simple Human shower dispensers

shiny new toilet, a gift from Rick's parents!

new flooring

little wooden cabinet my Dad had made

old jelly cupboard I painted and distressed

whale tissue holder from Etsy, clock from IKEA, shelf from Lowe's

zebra print from Sharon Montrose in an IKEA frame

IKEA MOLGER vanity and a ribbon basket from West Elm

We switched the vanity to the other side of the room so that we could fit a double sink. The sink, faucets, and mirrors are from IKEA. The lights are from Pottery Barn.

So there you have it! I can't even put into words how proud I am of Rick for pulling this off. He taught himself how to do pretty extensive electrical work, plumbing, and drywall. He handled a million little details and also managed to deal with me when I was freaking out for the umpteenth time. And we have a bathroom that we're happy to spend time in and use. Everyday it feels like we're rock stars.

Oh, and we did it all for under $2,000. Amazing, right? That even includes all of the accessories like towels, rugs, the jelly cupboard. All things we will take with us when we leave this house, but I include them in the running total because it was money spent. We're happy with what we spent, considering our budget was $3,000 to 4,000, and the professional estimate was $10,000.

What kinds of home renovations have you undertaken? Do you love it, or is it miserable for you like it is for me? I think if we do something like this again, I will move away to a hotel for a month for the sake of everyone's sanity.

Perfectionism

I know many people who would qualify themselves as perfectionists. I count myself among them. Perfectionism is like a badge of honor. Saying you're a perfectionist is like admitting you have a flaw but giving yourself a compliment at the same time. There aren't many flaws like this. When a job interviewer asks what your weaknesses are, it's a pretty safe bet you aren't going to lose any points for saying you're a perfectionist. And yet, perfectionism is a destructive, self-loathing behavior. It is not healthy. It is not productive. And it does not honor the best that lies within us. But it comes with this amazing, heroin-high. The high of doing something perfectly well. Baking a cake that looks like it'd be at home in a magazine. Getting all of your laundry done, everything neatly folded and tucked away just where it belongs. Completing a task at work and doing it so well that everyone is in awe. These things are rushes. The joy of perfection washes over us like a wave.

The longer you live as a perfectionist, the more things you find that you need to do perfectly. And the things that you can't do perfectly? You just stop doing them altogether. Can't exercise like a champ everyday? May as well not exercise at all. Can't stay away from that bag of chips? May as well eat the whole thing. You can only cook when the results will be amazing. You can only invite people over when your house looks perfect. The irony is that everyone thinks you have your shit together. Maybe they're even a little jealous.

There are messy alcoholics and then there are high-functioning alcoholics who manage to not only hold their liquor but do it while walking a tightrope and making the whole room laugh. We are kind of in awe of them. And when and if they decide to stop drinking, we grieve a little over the loss of that charming person. Of course we want them to get better, but we also think secretly that maybe it is okay to go through life being a little beautiful trainwreck.

The drunk of perfection is not that different from the drunk of alcohol. Perfectionists love to please people, and people love to be pleased. And that works so well until it doesn't anymore. Until you get to the point where you're so drunk on perfect that you can't just "do" things without a full-court press. That's when the exterior starts to crack, and you start letting people down, and the snowball keeps getting bigger.

It was easier to write this with pronouns like "you" and "us," but we all know I'm talking about myself here. I am on a journey to stop being a perfectionist. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I wish they had a rehab for perfectionists because I would pay the money and take the time to go. To be able to focus solely on the hard work of letting this go would be much more manageable than trying to tackle it on top of everyday work and everyday life. I can see it now, instead of the Betty Ford Clinic it'd be the Martha Stewart Clinic.

One of the things I am learning is how to reframe my thoughts. I want to go swimming at the Y, but I can't possibly take 1-2 hours out of my schedule to go everyday. Is it really so bad to just go once a week? Wouldn't it still be worthwhile?

This is hard work, but I am so determined to do it. There is no going back. I don't want "perfectionist" to be marked on my grave.

Beauty Product Roundup

Many moons ago, I used to write a beauty product review blog that has since gone extinct. That blog still gets lots of traffic — even without new posts — because apparently a lot of people are googling "Giada's nails"... and my old blog is the top hit for that. Now, I'm a grown-ass adult with future plans, and a house, and bills to go with it. I make more trips to Lowe's than to Target. So I'm not trying new beauty products like I used to. But I don't think I will ever stop blabbing about the products that I use and love.

Here's a roundup of 3 of my current favorite things:

L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes

in Waterproof Blackest Black

This is a great drugstore mascara that doesn't clump or flake on me. It gives lashes a good amount of length and volume and holds curl. Just don't expect Anna Nicole-levels of lash drama. The wand is superb at coating lashes while separating them.

Clinique Superbalm Gloss

in Black Honey

Is it a balm? Is it a gloss? Oh honey, it's both. I love this stuff because the pigment is a brownish-red that manages to look really natural. If they ever discontinue this, I will be hoarding a lifetime supply.

Nars Blush

in Deep Throat <----I am not making this up.

I have naturally rosy cheeks, so I spent many years thinking I could skip the blush. But pale skin doesn't look so good without a little color. And you can blame those Kardashian sisters for making me wonder if the right blush could give me a little glow.

Nars blush is famous for a reason: it really is that stellar. And while it's expensive, the compact will last you for years (if you're not a drag queen or a stripper). The Orgasm blush is probably the most famous, but I like the Deep Throat because it's a more natural peachy-pink. I use the Sonia Kashuk Flat Blusher Brush for application, which I also highly recommend.

Now, over to you. What are your current favorite products?

Canning Salsa (Picante Sauce)

This weekend I made salsa. I bought a huge box of tomatoes and peppers at an Amish road-side stand, and gathered the rest of the ingredients at the grocery store. This was my first time canning all by myself, and I was nervous. The hardest part for me was blanching, peeling, and seeding/chopping all of those tomatoes. I recommend having a nice glass of wine or beer around, and blaring some tunes while you work those tomatoes.

The recipe comes from my mother-in-law, Gail. She showed me how to can, and also gave me my first canning supplies for Christmas a couple of years ago.

I first had this salsa, actually, on the day that I met Rick's family. We had driven to Philly to his sister's house for her birthday, and I remember Gail putting out this salsa and everyone being excited about it. She usually brings a jar of this when they visit, and we gobble it up quickly. I'm glad I now have the means to make a good supply of it myself!

I usually prefer fresh/uncooked salsa over the stuff you buy in a jar, but this is way more amazing than any salsa you'll find in a jar on the grocery store shelves. You can taste so many flavors in every bite. I prefer it over fresh salsa, and that's saying something.

Salsa (Picante Sauce)

for water bath canning

Ingredients

• 5 lbs tomatoes, about 15 medium, or 20 plum tomatoes (I used a little more than this)
• 4 mild green chiles or 1 can green chiles drained (I use the canned)
• 2-6 hot chiles (fresh or dried) (I used 3 hot skinny peppers, I don't even know what kind they were)
• 1 large Spanish onion, chopped (about 1 1/2 cups)
• 1 large green pepper, chopped (about 1 1/2 cups)
• 1 medium red pepper, chopped (about 1 cup)
• 3 cloves garlic, chopped (about 2 tsp)
• 1 can (6 oz) tomato paste
• 3/4 cup white vinegar
• 3 T. sugar
• 1 T. pickling salt (you can use any salt that is not iodized)
• 2 tsp. paprika
• 3 T. finely chopped fresh cilantro

Directions

1. Blanch tomatoes in boiling water; rinse in cold water. Peel, seed and coarsely chop tomatoes. Place tomatoes in a heavy saucepan.
2. Remove cores from mild chiles. Chop chiles. Scrape most of seeds from cores. Add chopped chiles and seeds to tomatoes or just add in a can.
3. Pierce hot chiles with a toothpick and add to tomatoes. If using hot pepper, just take out seeds and chop pepper.
4. Add remaining ingredients except cilantro and mix well. Stirring occasionally, bring to boil over medium heat. Simmer uncovered 1 hour.
5. Add cilantro and continue cooking 15 to 30 minutes until desired consistency is reached. Stir occasionally to prevent sticking.
6. Taste and remove hot chiles (with toothpicks) if using, or put one chile in each jar if additional heat is desired.
7. Place lids in boiling water, boil 5 minutes to activate sealing compound.
8. Ladle salsa into a sterilized mason jar (I run mine through the dishwasher to sterilize), filling to within 1/2 inch of top.
9. Use spatula to remove bubbles. Wipe jar rim, removing any stickiness. Center lid on jar and apply screw band until fingertip tight.
10. Process in boiling water bath 20 minutes for pints and 25 minutes for quarts.
11. Remove and cool.

Makes 9 to 10 cups. I ended up tripling this recipe because I had so many tomatoes. I think I will continue to do that, because this stuff is so good that it won't last long! I did all 3 batches at once, using a big soup pot to cook it in.

Recipe via Gail Sollman

Classic French Braised Beef

This dish is amazing in ways I don't have words to describe. It's relatively easy to make, but it smells and tastes like something Julia Child would have served.

Beef Daube Provencal

Ingredients

• 2 teaspoons olive oil
• 12 garlic cloves, crushed
• 1 (2-pound) boneless chuck roast, trimmed and cut into 2-inch cubes
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt, divided
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, divided
• 1 cup red wine
• 2 cups chopped carrot
• 1 1/2 cups chopped onion
• 1/2 cup less-sodium beef broth
• 1 tablespoon tomato paste
• 1 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary
• 1 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme
• Dash of ground cloves
• 1 (14 1/2-ounce) can diced tomatoes
• 1 bay leaf
• 3 cups cooked medium egg noodles (about 4 cups uncooked noodles)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 300°.
2. Heat oil in a small Dutch oven over low heat. Add garlic; cook 5 minutes or until garlic is fragrant, stirring occasionally. Remove garlic with a slotted spoon, and set aside. Increase heat to medium-high. Add beef to pan; sprinkle with 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Cook 5 minutes, browning on all sides. Remove beef from pan. Add wine to pan; bring to a boil, scraping pan to loosen browned bits. Add garlic, beef, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/4 teaspoon pepper, carrot, and next 8 ingredients (through bay leaf), and bring to a boil.
3. Cover and bake at 300° for 2 1/2 hours or until beef is tender. Discard bay leaf. Serve over noodles.

Found in Cooking Light, November 2004

photo source

Mindfulness and Meditation

After 32 years of trying to sift through my own mental shit alone, I recently engaged the help of a therapist. I tend to carry stress in my lower back, and when life gets very stressful I experience a lot of pain. So I was at a point where I needed to do something about it. It has been hard to confront myself in this way, the kind of hard (I suspect) that a great workout provides. It feels like I'm stretching, growing, and gaining new mental muscles.

This is one of the books that my therapist recommended. It's the first book I've read about meditation that really resonates with me. It's made me more present in the moment.

At times I get so wound up thinking about a huge line of things that need to be done, and this needs to happen before that can happen, etc. etc. I'm learning to stop and notice what surrounds me. The leaves rustling on a tree and the sound they make, the way that blades of grass move in the wind. The things that are there all the time, but I tune them out. And when I notice these things, it's like my mind gets to take a little vacation and my body feels peace and levity.

I don't know if you should read this book or not. I know that is has helped me. But it also found me at a time where I was ready to receive it.

Perspective...

This photo has been making the rounds on facebook and tumblr. It breaks me every time I see it.

We're currently undergoing a bathroom renovation in our house. We have a small house, with only one bathroom, so it has made life inconvenient for a little while. Every room is a mess of tools, supplies, dust, etc. Sometimes I get so anxious about it all. Then I see something like this, and my heart stops for a beat. How silly of me to be annoyed about a blessing in my life. We are so lucky to have a home, and not only that but we can afford to improve our home. We are warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot, and we never have to worry about having food to eat for a meal.

It's good to be humbled, and to put things in perspective.

The Obituary

It's raining today.  I have some time to sit down and get this blog started. The rain has always made me happy. I love the way it sounds, and I love how it makes the world feel clean and even a little sexy.

Over a year ago, I was part of a small group of individuals taking an intensive course on Tribal Leadership. It was life-changing, to say the least. One of the assignments we had was to write our own obituary. We were learning how to live a designed life, one of intention. Writing our obituary would help us to see where we want to end up.

I wasn't expecting the assignment to be hard, until I sat down to do it. The more I wrote the harder I cried.

I am not sure what was more emotional:

1. the thought of me dying someday, and leaving behind people I love
2. the fact that I was hiding from my dreams, staying safe by doing things that didn't challenge me and didn't make me feel alive

After I was finished, I took a deep breath. Over the next few minutes the tears gave way to an almost euphoric satisfaction. I wish I could explain how this felt, but I don't know if it's explainable. When you take the time to write down how you envision your life going — without any constraints about what you are capable of doing — there is a peace and a sanity that washes over you.

The hard part was writing it. Now, I just had to start doing those things.

So here it is. It's not perfect, and I think if I were to write it again today I would change a few things. But that's not important. What's important is that instead of seeing myself as a passenger in my own life, I now see myself as the driver. I can go where I want to.

Those of you who know me know that I did quit my job. I did start that company. It took about 1,000 baby steps to get there, and it was not easy. But I knew where I was going.

via