I've been ignoring this space lately, and it's not for a good reason. I was all excited to get this site up and running last year so I could share freely about all of the little aspects of my life. But lately it's a place I've been avoiding. Let me explain.
On Christmas Eve 2011, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. Again. And we were thrilled! Oh, but not too thrilled. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage just before the end of the first trimester. It was sad, but not uncommon, and we got through it. We learned our lesson about keeping the news to ourself for a while and decided to be excited but not too excited — "cautiously optimistic" so to speak. That's a really hard thing to do. It's kind of like getting a present you really wanted but constantly thinking to yourself, "I might have to give it back."
So being pregnant is naturally a big life deal, and something I wanted to talk about. But I felt very wary about jinxing anything. So I avoided writing about my life because it just felt like I had to ignore the elephant in the room, and I'm not good at that.
I'm about 6 months along now (due in August) and it's a boy. Things are going well and I feel really good, but things have been a little tricky. I had some hemorrhaging occur while we were on vacation back in February. And so at every appointment after that I fully expected not to hear a heartbeat. "No FH." No fetal heartbeat. That's what they call it.
I also developed what appeared to be pre-eclampsia around 19/20 weeks. I was sent to Hershey Medical Center to see a high-risk doctor. The doctors are still keeping a close eye on me and the baby. But for some mysterious reason, my numbers for both blood pressure and protein in the urine have gone down. This is a good thing, and I hope it continues to trend that way. But I am mentally prepared to be put on bed rest and/or deliver early if things start to go back the other way.
The good stuff is so very good. I love being pregnant, and have had a relatively easy time of it aside from the health issues above. I get nauseous now and then, but it's usually helped by chewing gum or taking TUMS. (I live on TUMS.) I have learned to listen to my body when it comes to being tired or hungry. If I'm tired, I rest and take it easy. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat. It's amazing that — at 33 years old — I am just now learning to do those things. It's amazing how differently we care for ourselves when there's another human living inside us whose life we value more than our own. I get sad that I didn't place that same value on my own health/life any sooner. I was somebody's baby once too, after all.
The past six-months of my pregnancy in list-form.
Things I love:
- feeling him kick and move (so comforting when you're a worry-wart)
- finding baby clothes on clearance
- Motherhood Maternity's plus-size maternity jeans (who knew jeans could be comfortable?!)
- TUMS Freshers
- my Snoogle
- looking at Rick and daydreaming about what kind of father he'll be
- baked potatoes
- cheese puffs
- fruit (grapes, cantaloupes, strawberries)
- beer (of course I don't fully indulge this one, but I will occasionally take a sip from Rick's beer)
Things I miss:
- sleeping on my stomach
- not having heartburn, acid reflux, constipation, or diarrhea #TMI
- crystal meth (KIDDING!)
It feels good to be a little more open about this. One of my core values is openness, and so anytime I have to keep my mouth shut about something it eats away at me and makes me feel like I'm not being myself. So here's to me being myself again... and keeping it that way.
Do you believe in jinxes? Ever had to keep a lid on something you absolutely wished you could talk about? Do tell.